It’s challenging when a friend moves into a new life stage. Micah and I were the first of our friends to get married and the last to have kids, so we experienced both sides of the tension. We felt alone in our newly wed struggles as most of our friends were single and couldn’t relate. During the 11 years we waited to have a baby, our friends zoomed past us into kid city. I felt lost in all the kid-talk, and frankly a little bored (shhh, don’t tell them!). I tried to love my friends, but I felt clumsy and ill-equipped.

One of the most obvious areas this played out was trying to care for my friends with newborns. I cringe looking back at the mistakes I made.

Maybe you have a close friend who just became a first-time mom, and you want to support them, but you’re afraid your lack of experience will hinder you. First, you absolutely do not need to be a mom yourself to effectively encourage your friend. The first few months of motherhood is a time when you need friends desperately, so don’t underestimate the impact you can have.

However, there is wisdom in thinking through how to love them in this particular season. Sometimes it will be different from the ways you have cared for them in the past. It will require some humility.

It reminds me of Philippians 2:4–8:

Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus, who, though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, but emptied himself, by taking the form of a servant, being born in the likeness of men. And being found in human form, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross.

Paul, the writer of these verses, is encouraging us to adopt the attitude of Jesus as we love people. Just as Jesus humbled himself for our benefit, we should humble ourselves for others. We look like Jesus when we stop laser-focusing on our problems, our worries, our jobs, our families, our futures, and start considering other’s problems, worries, jobs, families, and futures.

I believe when you humbly and wisely enter into your friend’s new world ready to serve them, you will be a refreshing aroma of Christ that they deeply need.

So, that’s the pep talk, and now here are the practicals. I had a few of my mom-friends contribute their two cents, and they had some great suggestions! I’ll warn you, I’m going to give it to you straight. These are the humility-requiring acts of love that your friend actually needs and she will probably never tell you.

Manna from heaven

Bringing food is the easiest way to love a new mom. Help make sure the family has a meal sign-up set up for friends and family. We had meals brought to us three times a week for two months. That’s right you heard me! Give me all the food! It was like manna falling from heaven. I also enjoyed when friends brought healthy snacks, drinks, fresh fruit already cut up, or breakfast items like chocolate chip banana bread. Text your friend and ask if she wants you to bring the food inside or drop it on her front porch. They may not feel like visitors that day, and the biggest gift is to leave the food and scram. If she does want you to come in, try to be mindful of the time and not stay too long.

Lower your expectations

Don’t expect your friend to be ready to come to your house or meet you somewhere for a while. Don’t be offended. This has nothing to do with you or how valuable you are as a friend to them. Getting out of the house is intimidating and taxing with a newborn. Work around their schedule, and ask when the best time would be for you to come by. Catering to their schedule will mean a lot to her. This applies even to your bestest and most chill friend that usually loves when you drop by unannounced. Also, if she cancels on you last minute, don’t take it personally. She’s probably just feeling overwhelmed and exhausted. Drop off a treat on her doorstep instead and text her that you love her and there’s a surprise on her porch.

Just help, don’t wait to be asked

There will be many people that say to your friend, “Call me if you need anything”, but she never will. Her sleep deprived brain is not firing on all cylinders, so it might be hard for her to think of what actually would be helpful. Also, it’s hard to ask for help. You need to take the initiative.

When you come over, kindly insist on helping. Offer to let her shower or nap while you watch the baby. Do some laundry. Just start cleaning up the kitchen or doing dishes while you’re talking. And always, always, come bearing treats. This could be coffee, a Diet Coke, a breakfast taco, a smoothie, a frozen yogurt. Don’t bother asking where she wants you to go (remember, baby brain), just say, “I’m going to Starbucks, want anything?” or “I’m stopping by Target before I come by, could I grab you some diapers?” You will undoubtably get a YES with emoji praise hands.

Navigating the relational minefield

Screaming baby + sleep deprivation + hormones = relational minefield

This is a fact. Just ask your friend’s husband. They are fragile, so be extra sensitive. Here’s a few tips for navigating the minefield:

• Listen – Let them vent. Let them tell you about how their baby is eating, sleeping, and pooping. Ask questions like: “What’s the hardest part for you right now? What’s surprised you? Then just sit and listen.
• Try to drop your insecurities at the door – I know this is a touchy subject, but for example, don’t say things like: “I’m not even married yet, and here you are having a baby!” or “I don’t feel old enough for my friends to be having babies!”. You should take these comments elsewhere, like maybe to another friend that can relate. Don’t worry, this new life stage will not create a chasm between you and your friend. This is just simply not the time.
• Take an interest in the baby – Now that your friend has a child, one of the best ways to love them is to love their baby.
• Be mindful of your words – Don’t compare their mothering or their baby to someone else you know. Offering up a story about your cousin’s baby who sleeps all day and never cries will not go over well. And even if your friend normally appreciates sarcasm, refrain from poking fun at them in any way. The name of the game is kindness and affirmation.

I’m proud of you for humbling yourself and trying to love your friend like Jesus. Now, go get to work!